I can't come close to describing the hurt I feel in my heart from losing my brother. It feels like a part of my childhood is missing and a part of my future has been shattered. The thought of knowing that I will have to spend the rest of my life walking this earth without him is definitely a subject that throws a million needles to my heart. We're coming close to Carson's one year mark in Heaven and the emotions of grief are just now settling in. His absence is becoming more of a reality. I have never gone through this kind of loss before, so bear with me if I sound more dramatic than others. Losing my brother is probably the worst pain I've ever been forced to endure. I miss him so much that sometimes I want to join him.
November 26, 2017-
My sister in-law had messaged my siblings and I to let us know that Carson got admitted and he wasn't doing too good. What did that mean? My brother was sick. He was sick for a long time, but we knew little of his sickness. If you knew Carson than you would know the front that he would put up for those he loved. He never wanted anyone to worry. And maybe that was the problem. Did I worry enough? I knew he was sick. I would see how easily tired he would get and hear the deep breaths he would take after simple walks. Was I worried enough? No! I wasn't worried enough to jump out of bed and rush to Timpanogos Regional when my sister in-law sent that text. I wasn't worried that his situation was life or death and that this would be the last time I would see my brother breathing. I wasn't worried enough to know that this would be my biggest regret that I would have to live with for the rest of my life. That was the problem. I just didn't worry enough. I told my sister in-law to send Carson my love and that I wouldn't be making it up to see him.
November 27, 2017-
Monday morning. The beginning of another long work week. This day was weird, though. I woke up to my first alarm which was rare. Normally, I would snooze the heck out of that thing until I made myself late for work. But, not this day. I was excited to get my work day started. I already had enough quality time with my family during the 4 day Thanksgiving break that I was ready to clock in and get money. I remember listening to church hymns on my way to work that morning. Weird! I never listened to church music on any other BUT Sunday. But, that day was a must. I played the couple church hymns from Sammy J and "Oh Lord my Redeemer." I felt the spirit so strongly on that Monday morning not knowing what was yet to come in the next couple hours. I arrived at work earlier than normal and still had the Sabbath day soundtrack on repeat. I remember setting goals for that day and said that I would go visit Carson on my lunch hour. And for the first time in a long time, before walking into work, I prayed. I prayed to our Heavenly Father and asked for his special blessings to be upon my family that day. I asked him to give Carson the health and strength that he needed to return back home. The spirit walked with me into work that morning and stayed with me until I received the phone call that would change my life forever.
Work was a little off that morning. Our phones were down and so they sent us to break earlier than usual. I got the first call from my dad, but ignored it. Went about conversating with co-workers about our thanksgiving break until I got the second call. I walked out to the stairway and answered the call. By the way my dad sounded on the other line I just knew something was wrong. "Lola, where are you? Are you close to the hospital?" I was caught so off guard by that question that I didn't even get to answer him before he told me he would call me right back. Something immediately told me to call Leene (my sister in-law). The phone rang for a little bit until she answered, screaming on the other line. I asked her what happened, but if I could remember clearly I hung up before she could answer because I didn't want to hear it. I hung up and called my dad to which he answered and said in the most calming voice, "Lola, listen to me. I want you to get in your car and start making your way to Carson. I'll meet all of you there." I remember feeling my heart break into pieces and falling to the ground while yelling the words, "NO!" This isn't happening. This can't be happening right now. I placed my hand over my heart as I tried to keep myself together because never in my life have I ever felt my heart break the way it did in that very second. My dad was still on the other line and was able to calm me down to get me to where I needed to be. I walked back into work to get my things and told my manager that I had to leave. He asked me if everything was okay and I couldn't believe the words that came out of my mouth afterwards. Through the tears I managed to say the words I thought I would never have to say, ever. "My brother passed away........" At that moment I saw my childhood flash before my eyes. I saw my family. I saw my siblings and our children sitting at the park weeks before that day. Laughing, singing, having the greatest time. I saw last week when I had just seen my brother in that same place I was standing at. Did I reach the end of building memories with my brother?
I rushed over to Liga (Tyromes girlfriend) and told her we needed to go. I needed her to drive me to Carson because I wasn't in the right frame of mind to drive myself. I got Siah on the line as soon as I walked out to the car and all he could say was, "I'm so sorry, babe! I'm so sorry!" If anyone close to me could relate to my emotions at that time it would be him. I remember clear as day the night that Janelle had passed away and how it left him and the rest of his siblings torn to pieces. In my heart I knew exactly what he meant when he said those words. On my way to the hospital I couldn't help but feel so lost. The tears stopped and I was just in total shock. I couldn't believe this was happening to my family. My phone started ringing non-stop just getting calls from my brothers and my dad left and right. "Where are you? Did you talk to mom? Are you close? Hurry!" I saw my mom calling and my heart broke so bad for her. I didn't want to answer, but I did. All I could hear were her sobs. I kept telling her, "Mom, we need you! Be strong, please! We all need you. Stop crying, mom! We're going to be okay. Everything will be okay!" Wait, WHAT? You have someone on the other side of the phone who just lost her child. What are you saying? Are you sure everything will be okay? You don't need her at this time. She needs YOU! So shut up and be there. I sat on the phone with my mom just listening to her cries. "Oh my gosh, my son! MY SON! My baby! Oh, my heart! I can't do this....." All I could say was that I love her with all my heart and that I'll see her soon.
We pulled up to the hospital parking lot and I glanced around to see if I could find any of my siblings cars. I didn't want to be the first one there. I needed the rest of my brothers with me. We walked in and waited for the elevator. I felt my knees getting weak and my heart breaking again. I kept telling myself over and over, "Be strong, girl! You got this. Be strong!" I tried to keep myself together and tried so hard to fight the tears. I wanted to cry out to my Heavenly Father for answers. Answers that I couldn't come close to answering myself because of my in-activeness of The Gospel teachings. I felt it coming as soon as I stepped into the elevator. I was losing it. Through the midst of all the sadness and darkness that was happening at that very time in that elevator, I felt a warm feeling rushing through my body. A warm feeling that came over me so quickly and it was at that very moment that I felt my brothers spirit. I felt him hug me so tightly. And in the quietness of that elevator I heard him tell me, "It's okay, sis. I got you! Always have and always will. I'm right here. Everything will be okay." All of those words being said to my heart while still feeling the warmth of his hug. I knew it was him. I could feel him so close to me and just knew he was there. Calming me and pulling me through. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that my brother was now speaking to me from the other side. I wanted to see his face so bad. I wanted to tell him how sorry I was for not coming to visit him yesterday. I wanted to hug him back. But it was too late.
We walked out the elevator and made our way down the hall to his room. As we got closer I could hear my sister in-law's cries. It all started coming back to me and I could feel myself losing it yet again. It was a consistent pattern. One minute I was able to keep myself together and the next minute I was falling apart. I stood in the hallway outside of his door and just listened to my sister in-law crying. I saw my brother, Jon, sitting at the corner of the room with the same "lost look" on his face. The same face I had on. I could see Carson's feet from the angle where I was standing outside in the hall. I wasn't ready to walk into that room. I didn't want to see him like that. I couldn't do it. Until my dad walked out and saw that I was there. He was so strong. I wish I had his strength. He smiled at me and walked over to give me a big hug. I cried in his arms for a little bit until he told me to go in the room and see Carson before everyone else got there. The call was made and all of our family was on their way. My brother, Jon, came out not too long after and told me the same thing. I walked into the room and glanced at my sister in-law sitting at my brother's bedside. I couldn't say anything to her or even look her in the face. I just couldn't imagine how she was feeling at the time. I finally looked over at Carson. I wanted him so bad to wake up. I was sure that there could've been more that the doctors could do to bring him back to us. I prayed so hard in my heart and asked God to please just send him back. I walked over and grabbed his hand. It was so cold. I hated that! I leaned into his cold face and hugged him so tight. I kept asking over and over, "What happened?" While looking at him just laying there. "Awww, Carson. What happened? What happened, Cars? Why did you have to go?..." I told him I was sorry that I didn't make it yesterday. I told him how I was planning to come and see him today on my lunch break, but it was too late. I told him sorry that I never came through for him the way he would come through for me. He was always willing to drop whatever he was doing to come to my rescue in whatever situation. I couldn't stop telling him sorry. I was just so sorry.
I walked outside while a few of my family members showed up and saw my mom pulling into the parking lot. I called over to Jon and signaled to him that my mom was there. At the same time, Sione (our cousin) was walking up to her as well. We opened her door to help her out and she just dropped right into Siones arms. Jon hurried and hopped in the truck to go and park it because of the traffic. I walked with my mom and Sione upstairs to Carson where we found Fatai and Lola making their way to see their dad. My heart broke so bad for my niece and nephew when I saw them. I remember walking in the room not too long after them and how strong Leene was when they came in. She grabbed tight of kids and told them to go and give their dad a kiss. It wasn't too long after that that my mom walked in screaming and crying while kissing my brothers feet. I quickly got hold of Lola and Fatai and took them out of the room so they wouldn't have to see and hear the heartbreak of their Grandma. I walked with them down the hall and into the elevator to take them outside and away from my moms cries. The look on their faces spoke volumes. They didn't know what was going on and what was happening. They stood there quiet and just wondering if everything was okay. I didn't know what to say to them or how to comfort them. We walked out to the front of the hospital and sat on the bench. Fatai looked like he had so much questions from what he just saw. He asked me if his mom was okay, then asked if Grandma was okay and then the question I was hoping and praying he wouldn't ask. "Is my Dad okay?" I looked at him and didn't even know how to answer that question. All I could tell him was that his dad is doing much better now and that he's stronger than he could ever be.
I sat outside with them watching our family pull up little by little. Siah made it there with the babies soon after. He was all I wanted at the time and being in his arms brought my heart the most comfort. When everyone got there they had moved Carson to a bigger room so our family can have loku (prayer) with him one last time before the morgue came to get him. We sang, cried and sang and cried some more. The morgue came and had everyone leave the room. The cause of death was still undetermined, so they had to ensure that no one else touched him before they wrapped his body for the examiner. I stood out in the hallway with my Dad just right outside the door when the morgue came to get him. Everyone came walking through the halls and stopping to tell me that they love me and to be strong. I stood there thinking, "Be strong? How? I'm barely standing and barely breathing. I just lost one of my bestfriends, my brother....."
I thought back to yesterday and how much I hated myself for not coming to see him. Thinking back to when I received the text about Carson being admitted I did not recall any promptings of the spirit telling me to get my butt up and go to my brother. Maybe it was for the best that I didn't go to see him the previous day? Maybe it was God looking out for me because if I had gone to see my brother the day before, it would have made it harder for me to accept him being gone. But why do I hate myself so much for it? The coroners came out of the room with my brother in a body bag. I prepared myself for that sight while standing out in the hall earlier. My gosh! It felt like someone ripped my whole heart out of my body and stomped on it a billion times when I saw his body bag. They made their way down the hall as my family sang, "God be with you til we meet again" as they wheeled him out. They got him downstairs, into the truck and drove off. That was it. I wanted to go with him so bad. I wanted to be with my brother. Just please let me see him ONE LAST TIME.
We left the hospital and stopped at my sister in-laws house that was just right down the street. I saw her pull up to drop off her mom and drove away. The weather started changing quickly. It got cold and the clouds were coming in, ready to pour. I remember looking at the dark, rainy clouds coming in and comparing it to my feelings. This is what my world looks like at this very moment. I was in a dark place and couldn't come close to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Cloudy. Blurry. All the questions that I wanted answered so that I can come to peace with my brothers recent passing. Raining. My heart couldn't stop crying. And then it hit me. I remembered my prayer from that morning. I asked The Lord for these things. It was like The Spirit spoke to me so clearly. I asked for The Lord's special blessings to be upon my family today. I asked him to give my brother health and strength so he can return back home. I heard the still small voice telling me, "Lola, this was the only way." I asked of these things and he delivered. I got reassurance that Carson was healthier and stronger than he was before and even though it wasn't his earthly home he was returning to that day, my brother was HOME. Safe and sound and in the arms and presence of his maker. This was all apart of the plan. His plan. I came to learn so much more of The Plan of Salvation throughout the week of Carson's funeral prepping. It's funny how that works. You learn about The Plan of Salvation and hear about it time after time from family, friends and leaders of the church, but you never really stop to actually think and ponder on it until someone so close to you dies. At least that's how it was for me. I only fully came to understanding Heavenly Fathers plan when he called Carson back home.
I relive this day over and over ever since Carson left. Life has been a blur since then. My family and I are still mourning his death and for me I am still trying my hardest to come to terms with it. I have so much regrets leading up to the day of his passing that I wish so bad I can just turn back the hands of time and do everything different. My brother had the purest most loving heart out of all of us. His actions and words proved that. He was always willing to drop anything he was doing to come to our rescue whether the situation was big or small. He was known as our "one call that's all" guy. His fun, outgoing personality is the one thing I miss the most about him. I always wonder how our lives would be if he was still here with us today. I compare our "now family" to our "before family" when Carson was still here and how different everything is now. We can feel our brothers absence so strongly when we're together and we try so hard not to mention it because of how bad it hurts, but the look on our faces don't lie.
I love my brothers with ALL OF ME and losing one of them is one thing I am still struggling with. The best gift that our parents ever gave to us was each other.
Saying that I miss my brother is an understatement. If there is anything in the world that I could wish for and have it come true, it would be to have Carson back with us. I just wish we got the chance to say our proper goodbyes to each other and than maybe today wouldn't be so hard. I have so many days where I'll be okay and suddenly, out of nowhere, no matter what I'm doing the thought of Carson crosses my mind and the tears come full force. I always think about our beloved Prophet, Russel M. Nelson, when he mentioned in one of his talks that, "Mourning is one of the deepest expressions of pure love. We can't fully appreciate joyful reunions later without tearful separations now." I can only imagine how sweet that reunion will be for my family when we get to see Carson's smiling face again. I can't wait to see him reunited with his little family again. Especially his kids who meant the world to him.
I didn't anticipate on writing so much on this blog, but once I got to typing out my feelings and emotions about my brother it was a never ending story. I can write so much more about how I feel about his absence in life, but I'll save it for another day. Til next time, bloggers.
