Morning Skies

Each morning at work I get to watch the sunrise from where I sit. It's so beautiful getting to see the start of each new day for all of us who still has a purpose to fulfill here on earth. As I sit and watch the sun rising from behind the mountain tops I always wonder if it will light up the morning skies the way it did on the morning Carson passed away.

Each sunrise I've watched from my view at work is so beautiful. But, the way it lit up the morning sky on November 27, 2017 was a different kind of beautiful. The night of Carson's passing, so many of my family members spoke about the morning sky of that day. A lot of them took pictures and even recorded the sky from that morning before even receiving the call of Carson's passing. The bright morning sky was the talk of that dark, cloudy night.


I remember on my way to the hospital that morning and as soon as we reached the point of the mountain (Thanksgiving Point) the sky was so bright and so beautiful. I glanced at the sky and noticed the beauty in it but didn't think anything of it until that night when it was brought up by many of my relatives. Most of them mentioned that they had taken pictures of it only minutes before receiving the phone call that Carson had passed away. We compared each others pictures and videos and those who didn't have time to capture it just described the way it looked to them that morning.


The song, "Sunshine In My Soul" is what comes to my mind when I think of the bright sky from that morning:

"O there's sunshine, blessed sunshine, when the peaceful happy moments roll;
When Jesus shows his smiling face, there is sunshine in my soul."

It was my brothers soul that brightened up the sky that morning as he left this world, and I could picture the sunshine in it as he stepped foot on the other side of the veil. The sunshine that filled his soul when Jesus showed his smiling face along with the familiar smiling faces of our loved ones who were there before him. I've never seen the same sky or anything similar to that morning since then and that's how I know in my heart that Carson painted that morning sky beautifully as his way of saying, "Goodbye" to all of us.

One of my favorite shots of the morning sky on the day that Cars left.

Taken from my cousin Sione in Saratoga Springs just a few minutes from receiving the news of Carson's passing.



The Surviving Sister

I can't come close to describing the hurt I feel in my heart from losing my brother. It feels like a part of my childhood is missing and a part of my future has been shattered. The thought of knowing that I will have to spend the rest of my life walking this earth without him is definitely a subject that throws a million needles to my heart. We're coming close to Carson's one year mark in Heaven and the emotions of grief are just now settling in. His absence is becoming more of a reality. I have never gone through this kind of loss before, so bear with me if I sound more dramatic than others. Losing my brother is probably the worst pain I've ever been forced to endure. I miss him so much that sometimes I want to join him.

November 26, 2017-

My sister in-law had messaged my siblings and I to let us know that Carson got admitted and he wasn't doing too good. What did that mean? My brother was sick. He was sick for a long time, but we knew little of his sickness. If you knew Carson than you would know the front that he would put up for those he loved. He never wanted anyone to worry. And maybe that was the problem. Did I worry enough? I knew he was sick. I would see how easily tired he would get and hear the deep breaths he would take after simple walks. Was I worried enough? No! I wasn't worried enough to jump out of bed and rush to Timpanogos Regional when my sister in-law sent that text. I wasn't worried that his situation was life or death and that this would be the last time I would see my brother breathing. I wasn't worried enough to know that this would be my biggest regret that I would have to live with for the rest of my life. That was the problem. I just didn't worry enough. I told my sister in-law to send Carson my love and that I wouldn't be making it up to see him.   

November 27, 2017-

Monday morning. The beginning of another long work week. This day was weird, though. I woke up to my first alarm which was rare. Normally, I would snooze the heck out of that thing until I made myself late for work. But, not this day. I was excited to get my work day started. I already had enough quality time with my family during the 4 day Thanksgiving break that I was ready to clock in and get money. I remember listening to church hymns on my way to work that morning. Weird! I never listened to church music on any other BUT Sunday. But, that day was a must. I played the couple church hymns from Sammy J and "Oh Lord my Redeemer." I felt the spirit so strongly on that Monday morning not knowing what was yet to come in the next couple hours. I arrived at work earlier than normal and still had the Sabbath day soundtrack on repeat. I remember setting goals for that day and said that I would go visit Carson on my lunch hour. And for the first time in a long time, before walking into work, I prayed. I prayed to our Heavenly Father and asked for his special blessings to be upon my family that day. I asked him to give Carson the health and strength that he needed to return back home. The spirit walked with me into work that morning and stayed with me until I received the phone call that would change my life forever. 

Work was a little off that morning. Our phones were down and so they sent us to break earlier than usual. I got the first call from my dad, but ignored it. Went about conversating with co-workers about our thanksgiving break until I got the second call. I walked out to the stairway and answered the call. By the way my dad sounded on the other line I just knew something was wrong. "Lola, where are you? Are you close to the hospital?" I was caught so off guard by that question that I didn't even get to answer him before he told me he would call me right back. Something immediately told me to call Leene (my sister in-law). The phone rang for a little bit until she answered, screaming on the other line. I asked her what happened, but if I could remember clearly I hung up before she could answer because I didn't want to hear it. I hung up and called my dad to which he answered and said in the most calming voice, "Lola, listen to me. I want you to get in your car and start making your way to Carson. I'll meet all of you there." I remember feeling my heart break into pieces and falling to the ground while yelling the words, "NO!" This isn't happening. This can't be happening right now. I placed my hand over my heart as I tried to keep myself together because never in my life have I ever felt my heart break the way it did in that very second. My dad was still on the other line and was able to calm me down to get me to where I needed to be. I walked back into work to get my things and told my manager that I had to leave. He asked me if everything was okay and I couldn't believe the words that came out of my mouth afterwards. Through the tears I managed to say the words I thought I would never have to say, ever. "My brother passed away........" At that moment I saw my childhood flash before my eyes. I saw my family. I saw my siblings and our children sitting at the park weeks before that day. Laughing, singing, having the greatest time. I saw last week when I had just seen my brother in that same place I was standing at. Did I reach the end of building memories with my brother?

I rushed over to Liga (Tyromes girlfriend) and told her we needed to go. I needed her to drive me to Carson because I wasn't in the right frame of mind to drive myself. I got Siah on the line as soon as I walked out to the car and all he could say was, "I'm so sorry, babe! I'm so sorry!" If anyone close to me could relate to my emotions at that time it would be him. I remember clear as day the night that Janelle had passed away and how it left him and the rest of his siblings torn to pieces. In my heart I knew exactly what he meant when he said those words. On my way to the hospital I couldn't help but feel so lost. The tears stopped and I was just in total shock. I couldn't believe this was happening to my family. My phone started ringing non-stop just getting calls from my brothers and my dad left and right. "Where are you? Did you talk to mom? Are you close? Hurry!" I saw my mom calling and my heart broke so bad for her. I didn't want to answer, but I did. All I could hear were her sobs. I kept telling her, "Mom, we need you! Be strong, please! We all need you. Stop crying, mom! We're going to be okay. Everything will be okay!" Wait, WHAT? You have someone on the other side of the phone who just lost her child. What are you saying? Are you sure everything will be okay? You don't need her at this time. She needs YOU! So shut up and be there. I sat on the phone with my mom just listening to her cries. "Oh my gosh, my son! MY SON! My baby! Oh, my heart! I can't do this....."  All I could say was that I love her with all my heart and that I'll see her soon. 

We pulled up to the hospital parking lot and I glanced around to see if I could find any of my siblings cars. I didn't want to be the first one there. I needed the rest of my brothers with me. We walked in and waited for the elevator. I felt my knees getting weak and my heart breaking again. I kept telling myself over and over, "Be strong, girl! You got this. Be strong!" I tried to keep myself together and tried so hard to fight the tears. I wanted to cry out to my Heavenly Father for answers. Answers that I couldn't come close to answering myself because of my in-activeness of The Gospel teachings. I felt it coming as soon as I stepped into the elevator. I was losing it. Through the midst of all the sadness and darkness that was happening at that very time in that elevator, I felt a warm feeling rushing through my body. A warm feeling that came over me so quickly and it was at that very moment that I felt my brothers spirit. I felt him hug me so tightly. And in the quietness of that elevator I heard him tell me, "It's okay, sis. I got you! Always have and always will. I'm right here. Everything will be okay." All of those words being said to my heart while still feeling the warmth of his hug. I knew it was him. I could feel him so close to me and just knew he was there. Calming me and pulling me through. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that my brother was now speaking to me from the other side. I wanted to see his face so bad. I wanted to tell him how sorry I was for not coming to visit him yesterday. I wanted to hug him back. But it was too late. 

We walked out the elevator and made our way down the hall to his room. As we got closer I could hear my sister in-law's cries. It all started coming back to me and I could feel myself losing it yet again. It was a consistent pattern. One minute I was able to keep myself together and the next minute I was falling apart. I stood in the hallway outside of his door and just listened to my sister in-law crying. I saw my brother, Jon, sitting at the corner of the room with the same "lost look" on his face. The same face I had on. I could see Carson's feet from the angle where I was standing outside in the hall. I wasn't ready to walk into that room. I didn't want to see him like that. I couldn't do it. Until my dad walked out and saw that I was there. He was so strong. I wish I had his strength. He smiled at me and walked over to give me a big hug. I cried in his arms for a little bit until he told me to go in the room and see Carson before everyone else got there. The call was made and all of our family was on their way. My brother, Jon, came out not too long after and told me the same thing. I walked into the room and glanced at my sister in-law sitting at my brother's bedside. I couldn't say anything to her or even look her in the face. I just couldn't imagine how she was feeling at the time. I finally looked over at Carson. I wanted him so bad to wake up. I was sure that there could've been more that the doctors could do to bring him back to us. I prayed so hard in my heart and asked God to please just send him back. I walked over and grabbed his hand. It was so cold. I hated that! I leaned into his cold face and hugged him so tight. I kept asking over and over, "What happened?" While looking at him just laying there. "Awww, Carson. What happened? What happened, Cars? Why did you have to go?..." I told him I was sorry that I didn't make it yesterday. I told him how I was planning to come and see him today on my lunch break, but it was too late. I told him sorry that I never came through for him the way he would come through for me. He was always willing to drop whatever he was doing to come to my rescue in whatever situation. I couldn't stop telling him sorry. I was just so sorry. 

I walked outside while a few of my family members showed up and saw my mom pulling into the parking lot. I called over to Jon and signaled to him that my mom was there. At the same time, Sione (our cousin) was walking up to her as well. We opened her door to help her out and she just dropped right into Siones arms. Jon hurried and hopped in the truck to go and park it because of the traffic. I walked with my mom and Sione upstairs to Carson where we found Fatai and Lola making their way to see their dad. My heart broke so bad for my niece and nephew when I saw them. I remember walking in the room not too long after them and how strong Leene was when they came in. She grabbed tight of kids and told them to go and give their dad a kiss. It wasn't too long after that that my mom walked in screaming and crying while kissing my brothers feet. I quickly got hold of Lola and Fatai and took them out of the room so they wouldn't have to see and hear the heartbreak of their Grandma. I walked with them down the hall and into the elevator to take them outside and away from my moms cries. The look on their faces spoke volumes. They didn't know what was going on and what was happening. They stood there quiet and just wondering if everything was okay. I didn't know what to say to them or how to comfort them. We walked out to the front of the hospital and sat on the bench. Fatai looked like he had so much questions from what he just saw. He asked me if his mom was okay, then asked if Grandma was okay and then the question I was hoping and praying he wouldn't ask. "Is my Dad okay?" I looked at him and didn't even know how to answer that question. All I could tell him was that his dad is doing much better now and that he's stronger than he could ever be. 

I sat outside with them watching our family pull up little by little. Siah made it there with the babies soon after. He was all I wanted at the time and being in his arms brought my heart the most comfort. When everyone got there they had moved Carson to a bigger room so our family can have loku (prayer) with him one last time before the morgue came to get him. We sang, cried and sang and cried some more. The morgue came and had everyone leave the room. The cause of death was still undetermined, so they had to ensure that no one else touched him before they wrapped his body for the examiner. I stood out in the hallway with my Dad just right outside the door when the morgue came to get him. Everyone came walking through the halls and stopping to tell me that they love me and to be strong. I stood there thinking, "Be strong? How? I'm barely standing and barely breathing. I just lost one of my bestfriends, my brother....."

 I thought back to yesterday and how much I hated myself for not coming to see him. Thinking back to when I received the text about Carson being admitted I did not recall any promptings of the spirit telling me to get my butt up and go to my brother. Maybe it was for the best that I didn't go to see him the previous day? Maybe it was God looking out for me because if I had gone to see my brother the day before, it would have made it harder for me to accept him being gone. But why do I hate myself so much for it? The coroners came out of the room with my brother in a body bag. I prepared myself for that sight while standing out in the hall earlier. My gosh! It felt like someone ripped my whole heart out of my body and stomped on it a billion times when I saw his body bag. They made their way down the hall as my family sang, "God be with you til we meet again" as they wheeled him out. They got him downstairs, into the truck and drove off. That was it. I wanted to go with him so bad. I wanted to be with my brother. Just please let me see him ONE LAST TIME.

We left the hospital and stopped at my sister in-laws house that was just right down the street. I saw her pull up to drop off her mom and drove away. The weather started changing quickly. It got cold and the clouds were coming in, ready to pour. I remember looking at the dark, rainy clouds coming in and comparing it to my feelings. This is what my world looks like at this very moment. I was in a dark place and couldn't come close to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Cloudy. Blurry. All the questions that I wanted answered so that I can come to peace with my brothers recent passing. Raining. My heart couldn't stop crying. And then it hit me. I remembered my prayer from that morning. I asked The Lord for these things. It was like The Spirit spoke to me so clearly. I asked for The Lord's special blessings to be upon my family today. I asked him to give my brother health and strength so he can return back home. I heard the still small voice telling me, "Lola, this was the only way." I asked of these things and he delivered. I got reassurance that Carson was healthier and stronger than he was before and even though it wasn't his earthly home he was returning to that day, my brother was HOME. Safe and sound and in the arms and presence of his maker. This was all apart of the plan. His plan. I came to learn so much more of The Plan of Salvation throughout the week of Carson's funeral prepping. It's funny how that works. You learn about The Plan of Salvation and hear about it time after time from family, friends and leaders of the church, but you never really stop to actually think and ponder on it until someone so close to you dies. At least that's how it was for me. I only fully came to understanding Heavenly Fathers plan when he called Carson back home. 

I relive this day over and over ever since Carson left. Life has been a blur since then. My family and I are still mourning his death and for me I am still trying my hardest to come to terms with it. I have so much regrets leading up to the day of his passing that I wish so bad I can just turn back the hands of time and do everything different. My brother had the purest most loving heart out of all of us. His actions and words proved that. He was always willing to drop anything he was doing to come to our rescue whether the situation was big or small. He was known as our "one call that's all" guy. His fun, outgoing personality is the one thing I miss the most about him. I always wonder how our lives would be if he was still here with us today. I compare our "now family" to our "before family" when Carson was still here and how different everything is now. We can feel our brothers absence so strongly when we're together and we try so hard not to mention it because of how bad it hurts, but the look on our faces don't lie.

I love my brothers with ALL OF ME and losing one of them is one thing I am still struggling with. The best gift that our parents ever gave to us was each other.
Saying that I miss my brother is an understatement. If there is anything in the world that I could wish for and have it come true, it would be to have Carson back with us. I just wish we got the chance to say our proper goodbyes to each other and than maybe today wouldn't be so hard. I have so many days where I'll be okay and suddenly, out of nowhere, no matter what I'm doing the thought of Carson crosses my mind and the tears come full force. I always think about our beloved Prophet, Russel M. Nelson, when he mentioned in one of his talks that, "Mourning is one of the deepest expressions of pure love. We can't fully appreciate joyful reunions later without tearful separations now." I can only imagine how sweet that reunion will be for my family when we get to see Carson's smiling face again. I can't wait to see him reunited with his little family again. Especially his kids who meant the world to him.

I didn't anticipate on writing so much on this blog, but once I got to typing out my feelings and emotions about my brother it was a never ending story. I can write so much more about how I feel about his absence in life, but I'll save it for another day. Til next time, bloggers.

K DEN! _,,,/

They say THE GOOD die young.

I never said it would be easy,

I only said it would be WORTH IT.

Til this day I still can't believe that she's gone. Janelle has inspired me in so many ways possible & she was one the most greatest examples out there. If there was ever a time I needed a laugh or some kind of comfort, Janelle was ALWAYS there. & that is the one thing that I will truly miss about her. No matter what the problem or trouble was, or how hard or easy it was, or how expensive or cheap it was, her response was alway's, "It's no problem." :)

For the past 3 & a half yrs that I've known Nelle, not only was she a sister to my husband & I, but she was also a Mother. Speaking of Mother, lol! I remember the first time I met Nelle. :) it was my first time meeting Siah's family & oh how NERVOUS I was. Haha! Siah had left his house to meet up with me. & being "Siah", of course he didn't tell anyone that he was leaving. So, he meets up with me & takes me back to his house. I walk upstairs & Siah says, "Everybody! This is Lola." So he goes around the room introducing me to everyone, & Nelle cuts him off & says, "WHERE THE HECK DID YOU GO!?" Like whoa! Can I at least get a "HI" first before you start yelling at him? Lol! It was from then that I realized not only do I have to deal with impressing his mom, but I have to deal with impressing his sister, Janelle aka second "MOM" as well. :) lol!

Nelle has been like a Mother to every single one of her siblings. Especially Jaz. Where ever Nelle was, you could always find Jaz. The way these 2 acted amongst each other just made me wish I had a sister even  more. They were pretty much inseperable. It was ALWAYS Nelle, Ron & Jazmyn. Everywhere

Nelle & Ron went, Jazmyn would be right along side them. Everytime we would have family get togethers, these 3 were the main people I stayed away from. Haha! You wouldn't ever wanna be left alone with these 3 clowns! All they would do is just clown on you until you leave their sight. Yeah, NOT COOL! lol!

This past year was the MOST I've ever spent with Nelle. Whether it was just sitting at home bored out of our minds, painting our nails, clowing on each other, playing ball, ("PLAYING BALL") lol, eating out, or just about anything. This past year was THE MOST time I've ever spent with her. It was mainly Nelle & Ron who was always getting the family together to hang out. There was NEVER a boring time with these 2. Nelle & Ron were most definitely THE LIFE at the party. If it wasn't Nelle, it was Ron. If it wasn't Ron, it was Nelle, well, SOMETIMES. She gets all her jokes from Ron so all of her jokes were already played out. Hahaha! JK! Words cannot express how much I miss this girl! There is not a day that goes by where I don't think of her. I know that with the Plan of Salvation that the Lord has blessed us with, that we WILL see Nelle again. I know that she is in Heaven looking down & smiling at each & everyone of us. Although she's gone, but she will FOREVER be in my heart.

I love you Nelle! I promise that I won't let Ariez, Jordyn & Jaelah grow up without knowing how much of a loving aunty you were to each of them. I will make sure that they remember every little piece of you & love you for the kind of aunt you were. I know that you will always be with them not only in spirit, but in their hearts. They will FOREVER carry their Aunty Janelle in their hearts in whatever they do. I PROMISE!

God saw that you were in pain when a cure was not to be,

So he quickly wrapped his arms around you and whispered, "COME TO ME."

With tearful eyes we watched you, and watched you slip away,

Although we love you dearly, we could not make you stay.

A golden heart stopped beating, hard working hands at rest,

God broke our hearts to prove to us,

HE ONLY TAKES THE BEST.



He only takes the BEST ♥

I always hear the saying, "LIVE EVERYDAY AS IF ITS YOUR LAST". Etta was one of the many people I know who lived EVERYDAY as if it were her LAST. On June 23rd, 2011, Etta was called back to Heavenly home. Leaving behind endless memories, a heartbroken family, and a BEAUTIFUL daughter. Etta moved to Utah in 2010 to make a change, not only for her life, but for Alohilani (her daughter) as well. I'm glad she made that choice to move to Utah, for if she hadn't, I would've never gotten the chance to meet this BEAUTIFUL woman. I've gotten to know Etta in the spring of 2010 when she was planning on going to Everest College to major in the medical field. But, we all know how that goes, right? LOL! Etta was a friend I had to put on my "CRAZY" list. She wasn't afraid to speak her mind, and she wasn't afraid to do whatever the heck she wanted to do. LOL! From the time I met her until the time she left back to Maui was too UNREAL. Haha! She had an outgoing personality and an amazing way of presenting herself in front of others. Every person Etta came in contact with was ALWAYS her friend. She could be talking to someone that she just BARELY met that day and when you ask her, "whose that?", she'll say, "oh, my friend.", when she doesn't even know their name. LOL! All she talked about was her daughter and how much she wanted to change her lifestyle around just for her. She wasn't perfect, and she wasn't striving to be, she just wanted to be what every mother would want themselves to be for their child. She moved back to Maui in the fall of 2010. I didn't find out she left until I wrote her on FB and asked what her plans were for the night, her reply? "Hello! I'm back in Maui!!". LOL! Yeah, HECKA MODED! We wrote each other here and there on FB, and that was pretty much it. I got a call from my sister in law early Friday morning, about a couple hours Etta had passed. After ignoring her first phone call I thought, "okay? Somethings up!". Why the heck would she be calling me when she knows its 2:30 in the fricken morning. I called her back to see what the problem was and the first thing out of her mouth was, "WHAT HAPPENED TO ETTA?!!".. My heart dropped just by the way she said it. After hanging up the phone with her I made a couple phone calls to some of my family. Everyone in my family knew Etta. When she lived here in Utah she stayed with my cousin and his wife. So because of that, she was pretty much part of our family as well. I couldn't get a hold of any of them at the time.. Of course! It's 2:30 in the morning! Who would wanna answer your phone call!! LOL! So, I decided to hop on FB. After logging in I jumped right into Etta's profile and the first post I saw on her wall was, "RIP ETTA! WERE GONNA MISS YOU!". I felt like my heart stopped beating for a minute. My hands started shaking, I took a deep breath in and balled! :'( i was too much in shock. My heart broke just thinking about Alohi. For the short period of time I knew Etta, I felt like I knew her my whole entire life at that moment. All I could do was sit there and reminisce about all the memories I shared with her here in Utah, and CRY! I couldn't sleep at all that night. I stayed up till I had to go to work. It was so hard to concentrate that day. The only people on my mind was Etta and Alohi. I sat at my little cubical trying to hold back the tears. It was like that the whole day. Alohi turned 4 on July 25th.. 2 days after Etta had passed. :( My heart ached for her on that day, knowing that her mother couldn't be there to help celebrate with Alohi on her special day. But we all knew she was there that day. So did Alohi. :) if you ask Alohi now where her mommy is, she'll say, "MOMMY'S WITH JESUS". She knows her mommy is in Heaven, which puts everyone's heart at ease. It did for me. :) I've never gotten the chance to say goodbye to you or to even tell you how much I appreciate you and everything you've done for me while you were here in Utah. THANK YOU ETTA FOR EVERYTHING. For being there to discuss my problems with, when I needed a shoulder to lean on, when I needed someone to text because I was soooo BORED, and when I needed someone to buy me food. LMBO! I just needed to switch it up a little because I was getting a little teary eyed. :'( I miss you Etta, so much! 

RIP ETTA HELENA VAKAUTA.

.FOREVER AND EVER IN MY HEART.

Though death separates us for now, I know we'll meet again.
My tears will dry, no more I'll cry, and a new life will begin.
It's hard to have to let you go, and I still don't understand.
It's so hard when memories start to flow,
of all the good times that we had planned.
Someday's I sit upon the couch, and your memory lingers on,
I hear you laugh, I see your face, and its here where you belong.
But then I stop and ask myself, "Would it be best for you?",
It's not right to wish you back on earth,
when I know what you went through.
Our Heavenly Father is such a Gracious man, and he gives us each so much,
he left me keep your memory near, so we'd always be in touch.
Be free, My love, I'll let you go, your life was not in vain,
You touched so many lives on earth,
through your laugh and through your pain.
I'll live my life as God has planned, I'll hold my head up high,
I'll treasure all the times we had, and with that, I'll say "good-bye".
Onward the flow, I'm letting you go,
Because I know, we'll meet again.

COUNTING MY BLESSINGS ♥

I can honestly say that being a MOTHER is one of the most GREATEST blessings of all. I was only 16 when I found out that i was pregnant with my first. Oh the thoughts that were running through my head at that time.. What am I gonna do? How am I gonna do it? What will everyone think? And so on and so forth. To tell you the truth, coming from what I have experienced, age can NEVER define how great of a parent you can be. It didn't matter what everyone thought at the time or what I was gonna do or how I was gonna do it, all that mattered was what I was carrying inside of me. I was so anxious and excited to meet my little angel. I did everything and anything to make that 9th month come sooner. And it did. On September 7th 2008 at exactly 4:00 am, I was blessed with a healthy 7lb, 9oz, 19 inches long baby boy.  It was the most greatest feeling ever. Knowing that time has come where I can FINALLY meet the man of dreams, my son ARIEZ IOELU TOILOLO DAVIDSON. I didn't know how much love my heart could hold until I saw my little bundle of joy. My life as a mother began. :) the thought of having more kids didn't really cross my mind. Ariez was only 4 months old when I found out I was pregnant again. The anxiously waiting period started all over again. I couldn't wait to find out what it was or what was I gonna name her/him. After 5 months of assuming it was a boy, the doctor surprised us by saying, "NOPE! Its a GIRL!!" My thoughts after finding out it was girl? Well, growing up I was known as the "problem child " .. I remember my mom always saying, " the way you are now, your kids are gonna turn out 10x worse! ". My moms voice just kept replaying in my head over and over again. I let go of that whole "anxiously waiting" period and told myself, "Ahhh! YOU CAN WAIT!!" Lol! But, that only lasted for a couple of weeks and I was back at telling myself, "OMG! I can't wait!" :) on September 7th 2009 at 9:02 am, Jordyn Sioualofa Davidson entered our lives weighing in at 6lbs, 3ozes and 20 1/2 inches long. After giving birth to her, I looked at my husband, smiled, and said "Here's number 2!!" Lol! After Jordyn was born we told ourselves, "ok! NO MORE!". (wink, wink). I was good with the 2 that I already had and being pregnant for 2 years straight I felt like I needed a break. But unfortunately my so called "break" only lasted for a little while. Ariez was only 1 at the time and Jordyn was about 6 months old when I found out I was pregnant, AGAIN! Lol! And to be honest, I wasn't so excited when I saw that positive sign. My thoughts from when I found out I was pregnant with my first just came rushing through my head again. I really didn't know what I was gonna do, how I was gonna do it and at that point it really did matter what everyone else was thinking. It stayed that way FOREVER. It got to the point where I actually thought about giving it up for adoption. But I'm not gonna break that whole "adoption" part into details because every time I think about it, it just makes me wanna cry. Till this day I still can't believe that I even thought about adoption. This was our choice, and regardless of what the situation was we would have to take responsibility for it. And I'm glad we did. On December 15th 2010 we were blessed with a beautiful angel, Jaelah Niupele Davidson. She was born at 8:56 am and she weighed in at 7lbs, 1oz and was 21 1/2 inches long. I couldn't help but cry when I saw her face. Looking at her just made everything I was going through in that 9 month period WORTH IT! Jaelah is now the baby of our family and will probably still be "the baby" for a while. She is just entering her 6th month and she is the most happiest baby on the face of this earth. She goes to sleep with a smile on her face and wakes up with the exact same smile every morning. Whenever I'm having a bad day all I have to do is look at my little chubby love and she'll turn my day around just by her smile. Ariez is now 2 but will be turning 3 in just a couple of months. I can honestly say that Ariez is just too smart for his age. I feel so stupid sometimes cause this little guy has his ways of outsmarting me. Lol! But I guess that's a good sign for the future. And last but NEVER the least, JORDYN!! Well, well, well.. Jordyn is now 1 but she will be turning 2 in September. She is one heck of a handful. It always has to be JORDYNs way, and if Jordyn doesn't get what she wants, then we won't get what we want.... Some peace and quiet. Lol! Blame her dad for that. She is most definitely a daddy's girl. If she doesn't have her way with mommy, she'll ALWAYS have her way with daddy. UGHH! Lol! But, I can't help it. She does the most weirdest things at such random times. She's our little goof-ball. :) words cannot express how thankful I am for being their mother. I would do anything for my kids. They are my life, my heart and my everything. I try my best to be the mother they need and want me to be. I'm truly blessed to have them in my life and can never picture my life without them. They mean the world to me and more. They make the impossible, possible and I wouldn't trade them for the world. Counting my blessings and counting them twice. Mommy loves you Ariez, Jordyn and Jaelah! 

HOWDY..

Well, here it is, my very own "blog". I never really had any interests in this whole "blog-spot" thingy-ma-jig, but after reading through everyone and anyone's blog I just HAD to make me one. And since I have so much things to talk about I thought, "why not?". So here I go...... :)